Resolving Conflict for Reconciliation
This past week I read an interesting article in The Atlantic. The article was entitled, “How Telling People to Die became Normal” by Kaitlin Tiffany and the article spoke of how it has become normative behavior in our society to ridicule and attack people on line — on Facebook and on Twitter - to laugh at others and to criticize another’s opinion in a demeaning fashion has become acceptable and it sometimes accelerates to the point of actually wishing death upon another who disagrees with you. There seems to be no prescriptive method for which to handle disagreements and conflicts with another. It has become normative to attack personally and publicly, the other.
Certainly Facebook is not the appropriate forum but who among us has not spent at the very least a little bit of time reading the comments and getting caught up in the trail of some argument or disagreement. There is a word for it but I can’t think of it. Of course, there is never any resolution and the discourse rarely if every takes a turn where if a person clearly states a thought out position that someone else doesn’t attack this person and their position. Responses are reactive and cruel and continually seem to move into attacking the person who has stated the position instead of responding with a thought out difference of opinion stated calmly. In the rare instances in which you may observe this, someone else will inevitably speak up and make a personal attack.
We have lost the ability (for the most part), to have a civil conversation about things on which we disagree.
Conflict is inevitable. But the inability to discuss and move through conflict as mature humans is crippling to society and harmful to a church. Thankfully, I have not experienced this at St. James’.
The gospel text today is one that is often quoted and used in literal sense by those attempting to resolve conflict. It has been used as a step-by-step guide to resolving conflict using Jesus as the guide, and my experience has been that often those who think they are using it, do not use it in the spirit of the law, but rather use it by obeying the letter of the law, and therefore can sometimes use it to justify their own hardness of heart.
This text outlines process, and as much as I love process, the principles that are guiding the process are far more important. Let me explain.
The process as outlined by Jesus, is that if you have a member of the church who has sinned against you, go and point the fault out to this member when you are alone. You go directly to the person. And I will point out in this age when grievances are being aired as par for the course and “being heard” is part of the trumpet that we blast for mental health, what Jesus is speaking of here is not just that you “didn’t like that someone did something”; but rather that they sinned against you.
Often, I have heard of this process being quoted, particularly in churches, where members have used it to air their grievances. You didn’t like how someone did something. You didn’t like what was said, and so you went to them about it, which can have value (but I do wonder what it would be like to just sit with the fact that you didn’t like it?). There are times and places where you should let others know that they hurt you or offended you, or that you didn’t like something — but be sure to keep it clear in your mind whether the offense was a “sin” — or just something you didn’t care for.
We live in a culture where people are being “cancelled” daily for some mishap or perceived mishap. Instead of these cases being handled privately, we have become a culture that posts these things on social media and on broadcast news and we let the court of public opinion decide the fate. We are increasingly a people who do not appear to be characterized by forgiveness and grace, but rather of hardness of heart and shaming others.
There are times when people need to be held accountable for their actions, but confrontation should always be done with the spirit of reconciliation and/or restorative justice.
As Christians, we are told to go privately to someone if they have sinned against us, talk with them. And this should be done in love, for the purpose of reconciliation.
If that does not work, then take one or two others along with you. One or two. Notice we are still not saying call the neighbors and your friends and let them know. The process is a private process — meant to protect and preserve the person who has sinned — again this process is not just for any ole grievance but for a sin against you, worthy of intervention.
The intent of the process is for reconciliation. The principle guiding the process is that we can be restored with one another and within the church. It is not for shaming or belittling but for restoration.
“Owe no one anything, except to love one another; for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.” (Romans 13:8) Paul in Romans goes on and speaks of the commandments — of not committing adultery, of not murdering, of not stealing, of not coveting, but all of the commandments he says can be summed up in the word, “Love your neighbor as yourself”. Love does no wrong to a neighbor, therefore love is fulfilling of the law.
Read that part again. Love is fulfilling of the law. Do you want to obey God? Do you want to know how to live and what guiding principles should guide you? There is really only one - Love your neighbor as yourself. If you are applying that principle to your daily interactions — all of those other things take care of themselves. Are you acting towards others out of love? Or some other motivation?
Conflict is inevitable in this world. We are different people. But we are one Body - the Body of Christ - called to live in community . We have many members. Praise be to God. We will see and do things differently. Different things will be important to us; how we deal with these differences, what guiding principles we use as we deal with these things should be the distinguishing factor for us from the principles (or lack thereof) that the world follows. Our foremost guiding principle needs to be one of love.
When we address conflict out of love, we free ourselves to be what God has created us to be as the body of Christ, - God’s agents of reconciliation.
Our culture needs communities that are characterized by respecting the dignity of each individual and their differences, by humble yet defined leadership, by communities where differences are not just tolerated but celebrated recognizing that the Body of Christ is made up of many members. And conflicts should not lead to isolation and cut-off, but rather reconciliation and acceptance of differences.
Our society has forgotten how to deal with conflict. But those of us who are bound together as the Body of Christ serve a God who loves all, and whose will is that not even little ones should be lost (Matthew 18:14)
As we serve God together as the Body of Christ, we become agents of reconciliation. Our lives should be characterized by reconciliation and not cut-off — both with each other and to the world that God loves. Amen.
Certainly Facebook is not the appropriate forum but who among us has not spent at the very least a little bit of time reading the comments and getting caught up in the trail of some argument or disagreement. There is a word for it but I can’t think of it. Of course, there is never any resolution and the discourse rarely if every takes a turn where if a person clearly states a thought out position that someone else doesn’t attack this person and their position. Responses are reactive and cruel and continually seem to move into attacking the person who has stated the position instead of responding with a thought out difference of opinion stated calmly. In the rare instances in which you may observe this, someone else will inevitably speak up and make a personal attack.
We have lost the ability (for the most part), to have a civil conversation about things on which we disagree.
Conflict is inevitable. But the inability to discuss and move through conflict as mature humans is crippling to society and harmful to a church. Thankfully, I have not experienced this at St. James’.
The gospel text today is one that is often quoted and used in literal sense by those attempting to resolve conflict. It has been used as a step-by-step guide to resolving conflict using Jesus as the guide, and my experience has been that often those who think they are using it, do not use it in the spirit of the law, but rather use it by obeying the letter of the law, and therefore can sometimes use it to justify their own hardness of heart.
This text outlines process, and as much as I love process, the principles that are guiding the process are far more important. Let me explain.
The process as outlined by Jesus, is that if you have a member of the church who has sinned against you, go and point the fault out to this member when you are alone. You go directly to the person. And I will point out in this age when grievances are being aired as par for the course and “being heard” is part of the trumpet that we blast for mental health, what Jesus is speaking of here is not just that you “didn’t like that someone did something”; but rather that they sinned against you.
Often, I have heard of this process being quoted, particularly in churches, where members have used it to air their grievances. You didn’t like how someone did something. You didn’t like what was said, and so you went to them about it, which can have value (but I do wonder what it would be like to just sit with the fact that you didn’t like it?). There are times and places where you should let others know that they hurt you or offended you, or that you didn’t like something — but be sure to keep it clear in your mind whether the offense was a “sin” — or just something you didn’t care for.
We live in a culture where people are being “cancelled” daily for some mishap or perceived mishap. Instead of these cases being handled privately, we have become a culture that posts these things on social media and on broadcast news and we let the court of public opinion decide the fate. We are increasingly a people who do not appear to be characterized by forgiveness and grace, but rather of hardness of heart and shaming others.
There are times when people need to be held accountable for their actions, but confrontation should always be done with the spirit of reconciliation and/or restorative justice.
As Christians, we are told to go privately to someone if they have sinned against us, talk with them. And this should be done in love, for the purpose of reconciliation.
If that does not work, then take one or two others along with you. One or two. Notice we are still not saying call the neighbors and your friends and let them know. The process is a private process — meant to protect and preserve the person who has sinned — again this process is not just for any ole grievance but for a sin against you, worthy of intervention.
The intent of the process is for reconciliation. The principle guiding the process is that we can be restored with one another and within the church. It is not for shaming or belittling but for restoration.
“Owe no one anything, except to love one another; for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.” (Romans 13:8) Paul in Romans goes on and speaks of the commandments — of not committing adultery, of not murdering, of not stealing, of not coveting, but all of the commandments he says can be summed up in the word, “Love your neighbor as yourself”. Love does no wrong to a neighbor, therefore love is fulfilling of the law.
Read that part again. Love is fulfilling of the law. Do you want to obey God? Do you want to know how to live and what guiding principles should guide you? There is really only one - Love your neighbor as yourself. If you are applying that principle to your daily interactions — all of those other things take care of themselves. Are you acting towards others out of love? Or some other motivation?
Conflict is inevitable in this world. We are different people. But we are one Body - the Body of Christ - called to live in community . We have many members. Praise be to God. We will see and do things differently. Different things will be important to us; how we deal with these differences, what guiding principles we use as we deal with these things should be the distinguishing factor for us from the principles (or lack thereof) that the world follows. Our foremost guiding principle needs to be one of love.
When we address conflict out of love, we free ourselves to be what God has created us to be as the body of Christ, - God’s agents of reconciliation.
Our culture needs communities that are characterized by respecting the dignity of each individual and their differences, by humble yet defined leadership, by communities where differences are not just tolerated but celebrated recognizing that the Body of Christ is made up of many members. And conflicts should not lead to isolation and cut-off, but rather reconciliation and acceptance of differences.
Our society has forgotten how to deal with conflict. But those of us who are bound together as the Body of Christ serve a God who loves all, and whose will is that not even little ones should be lost (Matthew 18:14)
As we serve God together as the Body of Christ, we become agents of reconciliation. Our lives should be characterized by reconciliation and not cut-off — both with each other and to the world that God loves. Amen.